BIGZENHATS: THE FINAL HATTING

Once upon a chocolate cake, our heroes Edaniel, Dinah and Edrear (but mostly Edaniel) were tromping about in the expansive forests of west Jersey. They were, of course, looking for some damned ghost from beyond the crypt, but they weren't having much luck. Just then, Edaniel let out an exclamation of surprise.

"Sweet Loretta!" he cried. This startled both Edrear and Dinah into hugging each other. This act of hugging was, however, terribly awkward and further resulted in the two moving a good sixteen paces away from each other.

"What is it?" Dinah said with relative annoyance.

"Check it, toots. I can talk to plants!" Edaniel announced, hunkering his green cat self all low to the ground like some kind of flobbity cat ninja. "Wassup, angel petals?" he said to a particularly attractive trillium blossom. He listened for a reply, and that was when all of our heroes discovered that not only did Edaniel have the power to talk to plants, but the plants subsequently had the power to slap Edaniel across the face with their leaves.

"OW! That smarts!" Edaniel sputtered, rubbing his sore cheek with a paw. "She called me fresh!"

"Look," said Edrear, pointing ahead of them. "End of forest."

"Oh, hey, so it is," said Edaniel, trotting ahead of the group. "Let's get out of this forest and into the bright Jersey sunshine!" Edrear and Dinah followed closely, and they exited the forest, right into a small town.

"Quaint," Edaniel commented, "but I like the decor."

"Oh, hey," said Edrear, "there's sale at fish-flavored ice cream shop!" He pointed to said shop.

"Try our ice cream at a new, reduced price!" hawked the salesman with glee. "It's the jammiest!"

"I don't want to think about how fish-flavored ice cream could be jammy," Dinah muttered.

"Maybe they tossed a cup of noodles in with it," Edaniel suggested. "Noodles are jammy."

"No, they're not."

"Shut up."

"Would either of you like to try some of ice cream?" Edrear asked. "I might have something to barter."

"You mean one free makeout session from me?" Edaniel asked, batting his suddenly substantial eyelashes. "I mean, really. You'd get a whole bunch of ice cream for a prize like that." Just then, the salesman disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Convenient," Edrear commented. The three moved over to partake in some of the ice cream faster than you can say "Marty's magic wand". They ate with relish, which is to say that they actually put relish on the fish-flavored ice cream.

"This reminds me of that time in prep school when we were forced to recite 'kibbles and beatings' repeatedly, else we were actually beaten and pelted with kibbles," Edaniel reminisced.

"How could that possibly remind you of this?" Dinah said with a shake of her head, her ebon tresses tossing forth not unlike a tree thrashing about in a windstorm most foul. In this windstorm there is a pirate ship where all of the mates are swashbuckling and gallivanting in ways most unbefitting of adults--

"Simple," said Edaniel simply. "We got ice cream if we passed."

"And did you pass?" Edrear asked.

"No. I preferred the kibbles, actually."

When they were quite finished their ice cream, they stood and stretched copiously, scattering hairpins everywhere. Where these hairpins came from in the first place was anybody's guess, really, but that is a digression most unnecessary. They made to leave when Dinah noticed something rather distressing.

"My shoe has gone missing," she said. The three scouted about the area, but couldn't seem to find the shoe, no matter how they looked.

"Hop around on one foot," Edrear suggested. "I'll let you use my shoulder for
support." And so, Dinah did, and they moved along together.

"I wonder if maybe we'll find it on the way?" Dinah suggested as she hobbled.

"Forget it, kid. It's Chinatown," said Edaniel.

"What?"

"You heard me."

They moved down the main stretch of road for a time, enjoying the sights. The town really was very lovely, if a bit odd. They then noticed a car parked in the middle of the street.

"Take a look at car," said Edrear.

"You know, I've noticed something," Dinah said, turning to look at Edrear.
"You have not said the word 'the' at all since this story began." Edrear paused.

"It seems I haven't," he said. "I haven't been feeling well lately. I must have mysterious flu of T-H-" Even as he tried, Edrear found he couldn't even spell out the word "the". He made a snakeface.

"That's dreadful," came an ominous voice. "I daresay the most terrible snakeface I ever done seen!"  Our heroes looked up only to see the prettiest princess, with her cheeks oh so rosy and her skin oh so porcelain, and her eyes oh so blue like the sky over the most beautiful meadow, and her moustache--wait. No.

"Oh, that's the ghost we're looking for!" Dinah gasped.

"And she's wearing your shoe!" Edaniel gasped.

"She shall pay!" Edrear gasped. And then all three of them took a moment to get their breath back, but then they were all good to go. Like a slippery sasquatch, Edaniel up and tail-whipped the prettiest princess in the face. It was, however, ineffective altogether. Edrear drew his sword and plunged it into the princess's stomach, and yet nothing happened there, either, though it may have tickled her slightly. Dinah suddenly had a fire burning brightly in her eyes. She put it out because it hurt.

"I know how to deal with her," she growled. "Snap my fingers, here I go!" Dinah jumped up on the car, which was, coincidentally, a 1978 Chevy Cavalier. Dinah grabbed the princess by her tresses oh so golden and pure and gave an almighty yank. She pulled off the wig of the prettiest princess and revealed that she actually had very short hair in a terrible haircut with a botched bleach job.

Disgraceful.

"I guess it's back to watching Animal Planet--!" the princess screamed, vanishing into thin air and leaving naught but her wig and Dinah's shoe behind.

"Well done, Miss Dinah! It seems you saved day!" said Edrear.

"Well, thank goodness I have my shoe. Now I can learn how to ride this unicycle, which I am absolutely determined to do." Dinah opened the door of the 1978 Chevy Cavalier and revealed the unicycle within. She boarded it and hobbled along, shakily driving the thing as best she could. "I am determined," she repeated. With Edaniel and Edrear, she rode off into the sunset.

And of course, in her determination, she forgot to notice that they were still, in fact, stuck in Jersey.

THE END